The word “love” is a chameleon in the English language, shifting its meaning across contexts with remarkable ease. For example, it can be used as follows: “I love my parents,” “I love my spouse,” “I love pizza,” “I love sports,” or “I love God,” yet each utterance carries a different weight and intention. This versatility, while expressive, can lead to ambiguity. Unlike English, which leans on a single word, ancient Greek employs three distinct terms—Eros, Philia, and Agape—to capture the nuances of love. In Catholic theology, these loves are not merely linguistic categories but reflections of God’s divine design for human relationships, each requiring boundaries to align with His will.

Eros

Firstly, there is eros, which denotes passionate, romantic love, often entwined with physical and emotional desire. As Venerable Fulton Sheen describes, eros is an attractive force, pulling individuals toward beauty, art, or another person, as seen in G.K. Chesterton’s poetic proposal to his fiancée, where his purpose of life culminated in loving her. In Catholic theology, eros is a divine gift, mirroring the creative love of God as expressed in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Within marriage, eros becomes a sacred expression of self-giving, uniting spouses in body and soul. The Song of Songs, with its vivid imagery of romantic longing, serves as an allegory for this holy eros, celebrating the intensity of love while pointing to divine union.

Yet, eros unordered can degenerate into what Sheen calls the “erotic,” where love becomes selfish, reducing the person to an object of desire. Catholic teaching emphasises chastity as the boundary that preserves the sanctity of eros, ensuring it remains a mutual gift rather than a means of gratification. When ordered toward fidelity and self-giving in marriage, eros reflects the creative love of God, fostering unity and life.

Philia

Moreover, there is philia, which is the love of friendship, grounded in mutual respect and shared virtues. Sheen describes it as a love for humanity, not merely individuals, as seen in the Greek root of “Philadelphia,” the city of brotherly love. In Catholic theology, philia strengthens the Church as a community, fostering solidarity among believers (Romans 12:4-5: “For as in one body we have many members… so we, though many, are one body in Christ”). The friendship of David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1-3), marked by loyalty and mutual support, illustrates the power of philia to nurture virtue.

The story from Sheen of the Pacific islanders sharing food to avoid the sin of “kai-po” (eating alone) captures the communal spirit of philia, as does the lump of sugar passed among prisoners, a gesture of selflessness amid suffering. In the Church, philia builds networks of support, encouraging spiritual growth. Yet, without boundaries, philia can become exclusive or divisive, forming cliques that undermine unity. Inclusivity and charity ensure philia remains open, aligning with the call from God to love all as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Agape

Then, there is agape, which is the pinnacle of love, characterised by unconditional, sacrificial devotion to the good of another. Sheen highlights its uniqueness, noting that the New Testament uses agape 250 times to describe the boundless love of God for humanity—a love so radical it embraces the unlovable. In Catholic theology, agape mirrors the sacrifice of Christ on the cross (John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends”) and is the essence of charity, as St. Paul extols in 1 Corinthians 13:13. One can reflect on the act of St. Maximilian Kolbe when he volunteered to die in place of another in Auschwitz exemplifies agape, embodying Christ-like selflessness.

Agape is not bound by emotion but rooted in the will, as Sheen explains: we may not like everyone, but we can choose to love them by seeking their good. This love guides all Christian relationships, from familial bonds to acts of mercy. However, without boundaries, agape risks becoming self-destructive or enabling harmful behaviour. Prudence ensures agape is expressed wisely, preserving the dignity of both giver and receiver. When ordered, agape reflects the love from God, transforming relationships into channels of divine grace.

Boundaries to Order Love

Boundaries are the virtuous limits that align love with the will of God, ensuring each form—Eros, Agape, and Philia—fulfils its divine purpose. In Catholic theology, boundaries are rooted in prudence and chastity, safeguarding human dignity and preventing distortions of love. For eros, boundaries like fidelity and chastity prevent it from descending into lust or selfishness, as Sheen warns of the “erotic” that obscures the person. For philia, boundaries like inclusivity counteract cliquishness, fostering a community reflective of Christ’s universal love. For agape, boundaries such as discernment prevent self-destructive giving or enabling harmful behaviour, ensuring love remains ordered toward true good.

The Rule of St. Benedict, with its emphasis on discipline, hospitality, and mutual respect, exemplifies how boundaries promote harmonious love within a community. By setting limits, boundaries counter disordered love forms—lust, co-dependency, or division—allowing each love to flourish as God intended. Ordered love becomes a testament to divine design, drawing individuals closer to one another and to God.

Conclusion

Eros, philia, and agape are distinct yet complementary loves, each reflecting a facet of the infinite love from God. Eros binds spouses in passionate unity, agape mirrors the sacrificial charity from Christ, and philia fosters virtuous friendship within the Church. Ordered by boundaries, these loves align with the plan from God, transforming relationships into expressions of divine grace. In the Catholic vision, all love finds its source in God, perfected through prayer, sacraments, and virtuous living. Readers are called to cultivate holy love by applying boundaries in their relationships, ensuring love serves its divine purpose. Ordered love not only draws Catholics closer to God but also builds a world radiant with His love, fulfilling the truth that “God is love.”

Sources

• Sheen, F. J. Family Retreat (9 of 12) - Three Kinds of Love